Don't let your shadow be your only friend

Listening to one of my favorite bands today, Green Day, there was a line the song 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' about how the shadow is the only one that will walk down the street with him, and I got to thinking.  Some people like solitude, or so some tell.  How quaint an idea.  I think that it's just an excuse, personally speaking.  It's rare to find someone that truly likes to be alone for long periods.  I guess if you get burned enough by people in general then you might like the option of getting away from it all.  

But, solitude is seen as a punishment by most penal institutions.  Hmm, so, I guess those who prefer solitude would do better than the rest of the population if they were locked up and had no interaction.  Makes sense, doesn't it?  I'm sure that I hear my wife comment once a year, at least, that she 'could live alone, just fine'.  Yeah, right.  That's why we've been together for 10 years!  She likes to be alone, lol!!!  I'm not wanting to go down that path, except to say, that I don't think most people mean it when they say that they like to be alone.  

It's all a matter of degrees.  I do know some people who like to be in the public less than I do, and that's alright, and normal.  I think that I could be alone for all of about a day and then I'm hunting interaction from something.  Some would give anything to have a friend to visit with occasionally, and they can't, or they have been dealt a situation that is tragic.  I'm not referring to those in that situation.  I'm referring to those who thwart the opportunity to enjoy friendships, relationships, social activities, and family by being selfish to the point of being abrasive to others.

Here's my point.  When being alone is a choice, it's seen as an exercise in freedom.  When you don't have a choice, you hate it because of the loss of freedom!  Simple?  Not really.  Most of us, when we get old, we're gonna get grumpy(er), or at least that's what my experience has shown me.  Don't be the one person in the neighborhood that everyone else chooses to avoid and ignore.  Before you know it, your shadow just might be your only friend! And that surely wouldn't be a wise choice.  Keep your options open, think twice and be nice.  It will definitely increase your chances of keeping friends and relatives close when you will need them the most.  

Nittany Lion Nation, WE ARE!!!!! Addicted to Denial

Many people this week have asked my opinion of the press conference on Monday concerning Happy Valley.  My first response this week to the sanctions handed down from the NCAA to the Penn State football program was WOW!  I was initially thinking that it was a firm and appropriate action to take.  I did think that it was on par with what the public might expect.  But it was far beyond what some Penn State faithful thought should be done by the NCAA.  As I was watching some of the individuals interviewed in the days following that fateful press conference on Monday, it occurred to me that the NCAA probably didn't go far enough.  By the time the Paterno family had issued their statement condemning the sanctions, characterizing them as 'knee-jerk', I had come to the conclusion that these people at Penn State just don't get it.  They are addicted to denial.  And they don't want to accept that the power of the leaders come from the public.  They are still holding onto that glass of cool-aid, all the while chanting WE ARE!!!

It is very simple, there are many ways to arrive at the top.  But to stay there?  The list is a lot shorter.  One of those ways for the PSU Nittany Lion nation, was to live in denial that their leaders could never do something like allow a child molester to operate unabated among themselves.  The Freeh report was much more comprehensive than any investigation would have been by the NCAA.  And what fool would, at this time, would trust any PSU insider to conduct any type of investigation.  They had their chance, but yet, they want to claim foul by the public at large, by not affording due process before making judgments.

Sometimes it's best to just shut up and take what you got coming.  The current administration has done that.  But, it's about time the PSU addicts (including some trustees) come to grips with their current situation and realize that you could have been given the fines AND the 'death penality', so just accept a new chant for the next few years,  WE WE'RE!  That should curb the addiction.

FAFSA - Not Fast and Free Student Aid

FAFSA- Not Fast and Free Student Aid

This is my very first post to this blog which I've called 'Have you ever...?' for the simple reason that a lot of conversations that I enter or start, or conversations that I've heard friends start, begin with 'Have you ever....?  So I figured this would be an entertaining way to introduce a wide variety of topics that affect daily life and activities of those that I come in contact with.  So here it goes.

Have you ever considered the amount of work that you put in as a parent trying to get financial aid for your child in the first semester of college?  Now, before you simply just dismiss this entire notion by saying to yourself, 'our family makes too much for little Sally or Johnny to qualify for student aid', you'll soon find out that if you even need to get a loan that is tied to the student in any way short of you just writing a check, you will be introduced to FAFSA.  This acronym stands for Free Application for Federal Student Aid.  So here are some highlights of my first 3 of 4 children to enter higher education and the process roadblocks we've encountered and tips on how to navigate this maze of red tape at both private and public institutions.

Some high school counselors will try to make you believe that it stands for Fast and Free Student Aid, but you'll soon become frustrated if you were told by the high school that its just a simple form and all you'll need is the parents and childs most recent signed form 1040 tax return, and it's all on computer!  How easy can it be?  My first child to go through this process graduated from a small high school in Central Arkansas with plans to attend a local community college, and I have to admit, he spoiled us with his diligence and I would later learn, a WHOLE LOT of LUCK!!!!!  I don't think I ever did anything except give him some information over the phone in addition to our simplified tax return, meaning that I only sent in the first two pages, which is a summary without the schedules A,C, SE, etc.......  That's where the luck came into play. 

The process with scholarships and other forms of public student aid usually start with FAFSA being filled out on an evening at the local high school where the counselor assists the parents/students by providing computers for the parents/students to use to get online and enter the information on the form.  This requires setting up a pin, (one each for the parents and student), and entering the codes for the individual institutions the student wishes to apply.  For most parents, this is where their personal involvement ends, up to a point.  For example, if your local high school doesn't have a thorough check sheet for all the required forms and tax returns, etc., then you might find as we did that what lies ahead is a nightmare.  Have you ever been to the local government office and stand in line for 30 minutes only to find out that you were in the wrong line?  Well, that's exactly what happens when you don't submit all the information AT THE SAME TIME.  With the exception, that the people at FAFSA prefer to notify you of lacking information via mail, which means by the time your child has taken their first, or in some cases second round of tests in the fall semester, they still will not have been approved to move forward in the process.

Right now I feel compelled to let the readers know that just because your application has been accepted it doesn't guarantee anything at all, except they will now review your application.  In 2 of 3 cases that I've dealt with this process for the first time, we only were told that we would be notified by mail, or email.  For middle income parents this will probably mean that your child will qualify for Federal Guaranteed Student Loans and there are limits depending on the institution and what academic year they are in.

I am writing this topic to alert parents and students alike to be on their toes as their child enters their Senior year of high school, and to be proactive with the institution that the child would like to apply.  I have found the local high school experience to be lacking in assisting with higher education requirements in regards to Federal guidelines.  So I have compiled a check list that I'll use on my 4th and final teenager as she approaches high school graduation.

• All tax returns from current year, meaning that if it is May 2012, send the returns you filed April 15, 2012  (if you do fafsa earlier in winter, then you'll have to resubmit forms after April 15 for the upcoming fall semester / academic year)
• Include all attachments such as w-2's, 1099misc, and schedules showing income and business income, ( in one case I had to have an affidavit stating the amount of child support we received)
• Compile a comprehensive folder/file that includes all possible personal information of your student including but not limited to shot records, drivers license, insurance certificates, grade transcripts

These things seem common sense when reading it, but you'd be surprised how many parents let a dime hold up a dollar. 

The best advise I can give is this one thing, build a relationship with someone on campus.  When traveling to meet the university or college of your students' choosing, make it a priority to find a contact person you can call each and every time you have a question or need help.  This was the best thing I did when dealing with the 'out of town' university, it saved about 4 weeks in the admissions process alone. 

I hope this topic helps in some way, thanks for reading,

Blessed or Lucky?

Blessed or lucky???

Have you ever considered how you ended up where you are?  I mean, not just literally where you are, but the situation you are in at this time and all the tiny degrees of separation from bad events and otherwise that effected the journey.  Maybe you are reading this and thinking, 'well, my life isn't so great', but if you're reading this, you more than likely have the means to access technology, which is way further up the luxury chain than eating. According to WHO, the World Health Organization, over a billion people will go to sleep tonight hungry.  So there, it could be worse. 

But back to my original thought, just how did we or rather you get where you are?  And the bigger question is why.  Authors and thinkers way smarter than me have not been able to do this subject justice or even get close using the latest scientific or intellectual genius to solving the mystery.  But as I was with my new adopted pet today, Sofie, I was juxtaposing her arrival at the Langston's Sanctuary for Strays, to my own good fortune. 

Sofie, was standing on my front porch some 2 weeks ago starving and showing signs of abandonment after recently bearing a litter of pups, of which I didn't see any sign of near our home.  At first, I clapped my hands and shooed her off the porch, already having adopted 3 strays, I wasn't looking to add to the pack!  But as she lumbered off the porch and down the driveway, I couldn't turn away from a being that was in obvious pain and suffering, hoping beyond hope that someone or something would give it the ability to sustain another day in this world.  I watched for a few seconds and immediately went to the back porch and got the dog bowl and tried to approach the dog, who was with another neighborhood stray, and give it some food, thinking that maybe it was just lost and needed some food and would make it back home, wherever that was. 

At that moment, just as I approached Sofie, she was scared and hastily walking away from me, on the wrong side of the highway going up a hill with an oncoming dump truck.  I watched in agony thinking that I was about to witness the death of a couple of dogs right before my eyes, and the terrible feeling that I was causing this by calling to the dog, being confused from my actions on the front porch.  After the truck slowed to a crawl, which really made the situation worse, you see, the longer he stayed on the blind side of the hill, the more likely he would meet an oncoming automobile who wouldn't even have the room to swerve to miss the animals, even with the remote chance it would see them. Thankfully, both dogs made the top of the hill and the truck passed without incident. 

This was an unlikely event, weekly there is a dead animal in that proximity on the highway.  I took it as a positive karma type of thing for the dog.  I could totally relate to this event, in a much bigger way than the average person.  You see, when I was six months old, I suffered a gunshot wound to the head, with the bullet entering above my left temple and exiting above my right ear.  This early accident, (a local teen playing with a .22 cal. handgun) impacted my life more and more as I grew older.  I really shouldn't be here!  It never seems redundant to me to literally thank God for another day, every day.  So no matter how you arrived right here, right now, today, you have to wonder, blessed or lucky.  I choose to believe blessed.  There are too many things that can't be explained except by the hand of God.  And Sofie adds one more thing to that infinite list.

Potholes are not just in the road

The potholes are not just in the roads

Arguably, the one most important thing to the governor of any state is good roads, wouldn't you agree?  Potholes are costly, lord knows if you hit a deep one it will possibly cost you to have to pay for a realignment, and compounded on that, maybe you have to buy a new tire.  But, I've recently found out that potholes are not just in the concrete and asphalt that we drive on every day.

I'm figuring I'm not alone on this one.  About a month ago, well it was exactly a month ago come to think of it, my wife and I purchased a Honda Civic from our daughter's step-sister for the sum of $2350.  We got a signed bill of sale from her, and did like most people, I think, and waited until the 29th day to get the car registered.  Now before you think to yourself, he's got it all down, what could be the problem?  Let me tell you, it's never a simple thing when dealing with the Arkansas Department of Finance and Administration.  The unforeseen can rise up and wipe the smile right off  your face quicker than a teen can ignore you and walk out of the house. 

So here I am living about 12 miles away from the county seat, which in it's self is not that big of a deal, unless you weigh in the fact that it's the opposite direction of any other business dealings on the end of the county that I live.  ( I live in Bigelow, AR, and Perryville is 12 miles west, Conway 10 miles east and Little Rock 30 miles Southeast, and I work in Little Rock)  So to take care of personal things at the courthouse or local revenue office, it's out of the way and usually requires you to take a half day off to accomplish all the coordinated tasks necessary to complete the relatively simple thing of registering a car. 

So, I think I have all my stuff, go to the courthouse a few blocks away from the revenue office and get the two of the four required pieces to this puzzle ( assessment and receipt of paid taxes) and with that smile on my face headed straight to the revenue office.  It's a small local office, in a small strip center next to a small discount store, usually only one employee needed most times and it's usually pretty quiet in there.  I take a seat, as there is no need for the numbered ticket, only an older couple plus the worker was there.  I listened to their transaction becoming increasingly fearful that this could be one of those potholes, the question remained of how much time and money mine would cost, as the worker turned the wife in the couple away because she didn't have proof of the switch between her first and second marriage when she changed from her maiden name and the worker wouldn't accept her birth certificate as proof of identity because of the missing link in the chain of information, all this to get a new drivers license.  Since she was from out of state, she and as I learned her new husband was turned away and told to get another form of ID recognized by the State of Arkansas.  Hum, I felt sorry for the couple, but they still had that smile as they walked away from the counter, looking as the glass as half full, I suppose because the husband was allowed to get his license, for reasons unknown.  And that brings me to the most important thing, it's always unknown, at least until you return the next day, sometimes with the same info but just a different employee to  deal with, and getting success.

Now it's my turn, yea!!!  Only by now, my smile has since turned to a stare at my paperwork trying to mentally punch holes in it before I go through the whole process only to get turned away myself.  My wife was with me, and we approached the counter with cautious optimism as she was there to get her drivers license renewed, and we both were there to sign the necessary paperwork to put the car in both of our names, not knowing at the time that only one of us could have been there to do that, but nevertheless, we've arrived at the moment of truth.

My wife presents her current valid license and all goes without a hitch.  The smile returns.  Then, the employee asks 'what else can I do for you'.  Freeze frame.  This is what she said, but it turns out that this is not what she meant.  What she meant was, I don't have to do anything to help you if I don't want to, and I can cost you money and time all with a smile on my face.  Not to mention the frustration of knowing that it's the luck of the draw as to whether or not the trip to the revenue office is a success or failure.  Again the unknown rears it's ugly head.

So here is the big deal with this one instance.  On the back of every car title, (at least in Arkansas) the seller and buyer have to sign and date the transaction and record the odometer.  Here is where I wish I had a trusty pen with smooth flowing ink.  As we signed the document, I realized a few days later the date hadn't been put by our signatures, so I tried to write the number 9 to signify September, and the pen wouldn't write, so I kept circling the top part of the nine until the pen started writing.  As anyone knows who can write, we've all done this at some time or another, and most of the time on checks or other formal documents.  This action was called a strike through by the worker, and then she went on to inform me that the original seller would have to sign the affidavit of amendment to the document before she could accept it.  This is where I had a problem, and therefore, completely forgotten that I had ever had a smile in the first place just minutes earlier.  I have one day left before penalties start and the seller lived in Benton, an hour drive from Bigelow.  The nine didn't look abnormal except for the large black circle at the top, but eagle eye caught it, thank goodness, all is well at the DFA as long as these types are there.  The real frustrating part is the statement by her 'I can see that it's not altered because the insurance and bill of sale are all in line with the information on the title, but it will not go through in Little Rock'.  What she failed to know was that I would immediately call someone and ask.  And guess what, it would have been fine.  The other DFA employee said, there was no reason, and if it had been struck through, then you wouldn't have to had to go find a notary as stated on the form, the local employee should have told you that, she stated.

If this were a car I would've needed that realignment, but at this point I feel my head needs a realignment.  So, two hours driving, gas, time missed at work, I figure, this costs me around $200, or about the same as repairing a very large pothole!!! 

P.S. This worker mentioned above was not one of the regular employees, and the regular employee fixed everything real easy the next day, thanks for the regulars !!!!

Expected or Unexpected?

Expected or Unexpected?

What percentage of our actions are expected by others?  Are we predictable to the extent that everything we do is no surprise to anyone?  Sound boring?  Most would think so, but I tend to think that we spend too much time trying to be predictable in certain areas.  Isn't that what we strive to do, predict our financial future with our 401K's, IRA's, and retirement accounts?  Expect to have an accident or mishap and buy insurance, playing it safe, and planning for the expected.  But isn't that planning for the unexpected?  Do we expect to die?  Yes.  Do we expect it to be tomorrow? No, not unless your on hospice and you're saying your goodbyes to loved ones. 

It's a common thing to plan or expect all these things to happen to us, but on the other side of the coin, do we let the cautious behavior and rational thinking about finances, insurance, and life expectancy spill over into the other parts of our lives and make us slow down so much to not enjoy life?  I expect certain things.  We're programmed that way.  It's what many people refer to as our comfort zone.  It's nice to have our friends cover our back, by calling and saying that we left our lights on, or the gate open, stuff like that.  It's nice to know that you can go home and have a nice comfy bed to get into after a hard day.  But it's not so easy or comfortable to have the unexpected occur. 

Do you fear or embrace the unexpected?  I think it's parallel to wether you view a situation as a 'cup half full or half empty'.  I must say, with me, it depends on the pattern of recent events.  If something starts my day off and makes me 'fall off the wrong side of the bed' then I think it's normal to have that downer carry to the next thing.  Would you agree that most are like this?  How many times have we heard the huffs and sighs at work or school and you knew that someone was in a bad mood.  And it always annoys these people when someone comes in the office so chipper that they can't contain themselves.  A lot of the time, my days can spin on a dime and go the complete opposite direction, and it changes my outlook, my mood (which sometimes irritates my wife), and the energy with which I approach the rest of the day. 

About 10 years ago, I had a friend tell me that I can only be in control of how I react to others and events initiated by others.  Sometimes that fact is lost within the confusion of the things that happen, and I forget to apply it to my own reactions.  Maybe I should expect more positive reactions of myself than I do of others.   All of this can apply to every aspect of our lives.  I admit that I get my roles as a parent, friend, husband mixed up sometimes.  I think some people also don't get the difference between those roles, and importance of separating them.  What I expect as a parent of my kids, is quite different of what I expect from a friend, or my spouse.  But how I react to both the expected and unexpected defines, in most cases, how I am received and what pattern I have displayed to others, that influence the amount of positive interaction I have with others.

Life is way too short to think of the cup half empty, I think I'll just expect the unexpected and smile!!!!!  That's something I can control, no matter how unexpected by others.

Just Because

Just Because

Have you ever had that argument or contentious response and ended up saying, JUST BECAUSE!  Communication is a tricky thing for some, myself included, and it can be a great asset to ones character, or a liability.  Sometimes patience pays an important part in whether or not we become frustrated enough to use those words, just because.  I find that most of the time I am looking at a situation and I think I am the superior person (maybe by being experienced with the subject) and expect the other person to be the inferior person in the conversation.  Yes, I'm referring to my kids in this instance.   But how much do we find ourselves unable to differentiate between our roles as a parent, and when dealing with our peers, and hopefully that would mean other adults. 

I take my role as a parent as the greatest responsibility that I will ever have.  Now before you think that I'm going to dole out some parenting advise, I'm only asking you to just consider what level your communication skills are, and do you feel that you should have a different set of rules for self governing yourself when dealing with different groups in your life.  I would advocate that it is difficult to be a parent and a friend to one of your children, at least until you've finished raising your kids and they are supporting themselves and not leaning on the parent for substantial logistical and financial assistance.  We are teachers to our children (by example) whether or not we want it to be that way.  Studies have shown that the vast majority of learning is done via the parent child relationship.  It's hard for me to slow down sometimes and give the kids a chance to show me what they've learned from my guidance, and I also find that I treat others outside my family circle with those same mores.  This isn't always the best way to interact with others. 

Leading by example always seems to be a recommended trait of leaders.  I try to do that, but sometimes others just don't catch on as to why.  Shouldn't they see?  It's obvious to me!  And in the absence of plenty of time or when I'm in a hurry, I find myself lacking patience and blurting out, JUST BECAUSE!  meaning two things, I don't have the time or desire to explain myself.  Now, understanding the time thing is easy, all can understand that.  But, that desire thing is where I usually find myself in a quandary, or for Southerners, a pickle.  I can't help but think that a lot of life is navigated with common sense, meaning that if I see a mop bucket and a wet mop in action in a school hallway, I automatically use caution knowing that it is likely wet and hazardous.  We all know of people who are lacking in this department.  But as stated in an earlier post that's where expectations come into play.  Due to my expectations, I usually, and sometimes incorrectly assume that it's obvious why I don't give an explanation to a directive. 

I hope that someone gives me an explanation when I don't understand something, if for no other reason than JUST BECAUSE.

Who Is It?

Who is it?

Who is it?  Who do you spend the most time with?  Is it yourself or someone special?  Some may spend most of their time with someone that they totally dislike, while others (like me) get the chance to spend it with their best friend.  Quality of time spent with someone that you choose may have a lot to do with your outlook on life.  Similar to the idea that if you love your job then you don't really have to go to work.  I sometimes can't believe myself when I complain, well, about anything.  And in my case, it comes down to time, and how I choose to use it, and who I choose to spend it with, which determines my general level of happiness.

One of the most important things I try to teach my children is this:  Every action and choice has a consequence!  Only time is the judge of both, sometimes the consequence comes quickly and some take years and years to tell.  But in the end, all we have is the legacy of how we spent our time.  Consequences are usually described in a negative light, but there are equal if not more positive results from our decisions.  Most of the time I think that what I decide should be positive for others, but that's not always going to be the case.  And in this sense, that's what makes the world go around, we all have opinions, and you know the rest of that one. 

Some people think that they 'did all they could' in decisions they made as a parent or spouse, and still 'look what happened to my marriage', or 'look how little Johnny turned out'.  I hardly find those comments to be little more than excuses allowing them to pass the blame on to someone else when, in fact, in some cases those comments may have something to do with guilt from the lack of spending time with their children, or their spouse.  But because we can't predict the future doesn't excuse us from being responsible with our decisions as we move forward as friends, spouses, and especially parents. 

I hope that anyone reading this is smart enough to recognize that I haven't mentioned anything about material things or money.  The most memorable times I have as a youth had nothing to do with anything except, who I was with.  It simply wasn't that noteworthy if I couldn't remember who was involved.  I hope my children and friends notice my time management choices.  And I certainly hope my children learn from my mistakes too.

As our children grow, we can see opportunities on a daily basis to teach and encourage, but it's how we ALLOW them to experience the consequences that shape them as young adults.  So, how much time have you spent with your children?  Are they the most important, second only to your spouse?  Do you allow your children to experience life, or do you try to fix everything for them? 

What are the consequences that they will reap from the investment of time we spend with them, or lack of it?  Maybe it's a variable that we can't quantify, but one we can definitely recognize.  Have you ever been in the presence of a child or even an adult and you can see how obvious it is that they didn't receive a proper investment of time from the parents?  I don't have any definitive answers except to suggest that it is never a bad idea to invest in your child's future by spending your time on them.  When your children or your spouse are telling your grandchildren who was most involved with them, well, who is it?  Are you going to be the answer?

Have You Lived?

Have you lived?

Do you really look at yourself in such a way that it all lays bare before yourself?  Try this sometime, you'll be surprised at your reaction to yourself, if you're truly objective.

The question flies around in my brain

If I could, would I do it again?

Would I think the thoughts and say the words

Could all see my feelings, was I heard.

My true intentions, beliefs in my heart

Would my life mean something or simply be forgot.

I once was innocent, clean, and true.

I never had feelings that made me blue.

Did I risk too much or not enough

Did others around me feel that I made life rough.

As a child I had not a care

When I grew older I became aware

Of things corrupt, things not to be done

To others as well as my own

This is my story, one of questions

What did I learn, Did I learn my lesson.

I don’t want to feel to smart

to reach the point that I don’t follow my heart.

That guide that lights my way, through each day.

The sense of being, of what is wrong and right

Have I stood up for good? Have I put up a fight?

Kidding aside, what have I achieved?

Perceptions are what they believe

So can you say, in me what do you see?

A man who is lonely, and feels solitude.

A man who is unsure of where to go or what to do?

I must find the answer and find it soon.

To whom does my direction matter

What do they care of me?

Am I completely untied am I really free?

Do I live for myself, do I care for me?

Why am I so confused? Am I alive?

Am I the only one I deprive?

I am always concerned with giving.

But, do I really live?  I once was told,

All must die, but some never really live.

I can’t let this pass without learning

I have to quench this yearning,

the wanting for more the desire to go higher

out of control with my thoughts and deeds.

Forgetting about all my responsibilities and needs.

I can’t get depressed, lonely and distressed

then I’m no good to anyone least myself

I want to be wanted loved and caressed.

Will I remain true to myself, my loved ones no less

For that is the only way,
to carry on each day.

Have I made the most of my days walking this life

Living for me and not caring to die.

Remember this thought to myself I must give

All must die, Have I really lived?


I can say that I have!  Have you?

Kids: Too Fast or Not Fast Enough?

Kids: Too Fast or Not Fast Enough?

Kids, tough subject, huh?  Well, I sure have been proved wrong plenty of times.  But what puzzles me is I can't make my mind up about what I think about them.  Oh, I love them alright, but, as pointed out in my blog post 'Expected or Unexpected', there are no guarantees with parenting, except that time will tell.  I guess I have no major regrets, they know that I love them and in return, they always let us know they love us by,... well.... just how do they let us know they love us? 

Hum?  Now this is where it really gets interesting, just how can love of a child be measured.  See I don't buy the fact that love can't be measured.  That's just a romantic application when you're actually deep in love, and happy..... right?  I think we measure it all the time, well at least I think I do, subconsciously.  Have you ever witnessed a relative or friend and you think to yourself, 'they are only using them, they really don't care about them'.  Whatever it takes to get their way is the amount of love they will put forth.  Or am I confusing love with selfishness?  See, we're always eager to share our love when things are positive, take kids for example.  I find it coming my way in buckets when they have my permission to do something, AND money to do it with.  But just say no and you need a microscope with which to measure it.  (BTW, this has never happened in my house, hehehe!) But that's life, and I know those responses are not really love, or hate, at least I hope not.  Which gets me to the point of the speed which the kids become disconnected from us as parents. 

Some kids grow up too fast.  I would put them in the group that are cooperative, appreciative, and quick to take care of their responsibilities. We enjoy their company, for the most part.  But that's not at all fair, because on the flip side some kids get in over their head and they also have grown up too fast.  Just because you look like your 18 years old doesn't mean that you can handle the world of an 18 year old.  Ever seen that? 

Likewise with the 'not fast enough' adage.  Some kids are so troublesome to the point that the parents refer to them as the one that can't move out fast enough.  We don't enjoy their company.  Of which, I would argue that they haven't grown up yet, or they possess those selfish characteristics and like to 'love' as long as they are getting what they want.   This brings me to the further point of how fast we handle this as parents. 

What are we producing?  What principles are we teaching?  Do they include responsibility to self and others?  Do they include a sense of decency and consideration?  Or, do we collectively produce a bunch of manipulative brats that we have taught to use us and the society, because others do.  Parents know this as a fact:  Your children are a reflection of what you have taught them.  If they have learned otherwise, then you might have not spent enough time with them.  I contend that it's a generational thing, for the most part, a trend or pattern that will likely be passed down from you to them and your grandchildren.  If the parent doesn't take responsibility of teaching the child, then others will.  What a dangerous risk. 

I propose that we might consider measuring ourselves as parents by the opinion we have of our children and whether we see them as growing up 'too fast' or 'not fast enough'.   Or maybe, it's us that quit on our kids 'too fast', or we take action, but, 'not fast enough'.  Either way, the responsibility stays where it lays, at the feet of the parent.

It's The Children's Responsibility, but .......

It’s Children’s Responsibility, but……

The Bible says that the promise of a long life will be bestowed upon those that honor their parents.  So just what does that mean in today’s world?  Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is simply make them proud of you.  But, I know that is not always possible, especially if you have an absentee set of parents.  But for most, this topic has a valid application.  Just how can a young person set out in the early stages of adulthood to achieve what the current generation of young adults would term a challenge?

First, try not to embarrass your family.  That would be a good idea wouldn’t it?  Maybe, be a productive citizen, stay out of trouble with law enforcement, and show up promptly for Sunday dinner after church, (and yes you should probably be in church too).  Those are just a few ideas that might keep you on the straight and narrow, at least as far as your parents are concerned.  But I think at the end of your days, it’s going to be much more in depth than that. 

Do you remember when it was a really sad day when a family had to consider sending mom or dad to a nursing center or retirement home?  I have had plenty of instances where family needed more help than other family members could provide, but they only took necessary steps for advanced care after exhausting both physical and financial means with which to provide for their loved ones.  We learn by example.  We also learn a lot of other things, from each other, as well as prior generations. 

We’ve seemed to teach an entire generation (or two) how to pass the buck, or rather pass the guilt, to someone else, somewhere else, out of sight, and more importantly, out of mind.  The fact is that responsibility is given, passed, and earned, and not always asked for, but it falls to the older generation to teach the younger generation how to handle it.  We might fail in some individual situations with children, but you can look across society and get a sense of where we are as a nation in the department of ‘respecting our elders’.

As I think of these issues, I’m reminded of the line in the John Wayne movie, Big Jake, where Wayne’s character tells one of his sons that ‘since you don’t respect your elders, maybe you’ll respect your betters’, proceeding to drag him off his horse and through the mud finishing him off with a punch to the face.   I’m sure a lot of our elders wish they could straighten out some of their heirs in that fashion.  Do you think about long term effects of ignoring your responsibility to teach your kids how to handle responsibility?

As you are in the latter stages of your life, will you be in your rocker, wondering if your kids will care for you?  Or, will it be understood by them that they have a responsibility to help and assist you as you did for them long ago when they depended 100% on you?  I make the argument that in a lot of cases, I’m not even saying in most cases that some kids feel no responsibility because they haven’t had to deal with any.  Dare I say, that there are some who are simply waiting on Mom and Dad to ‘kick the bucket’ and then begin fighting with siblings over the scraps from their lives.  Yes, I said scraps!  Have you taught them that the stuff is just stuff?  It’s the memories, STUPID!!!!! 

You might not be in position to avoid having to get advanced care for your parents (or yourself), but, as you navigate through the stages of life, make sure to capitalize on every opportunity to make memories with your children and your parents alike.  It’s the only thing that we all will take to the grave.  Responsibility is a partnership it’s not just on the children. 

Moral trumps legal, every time!

Moral trumps legal, every time!

While watching the whole Penn State child sex abuse saga, I couldn’t help but think ‘what’s this world come to?’  How can someone witness what the a then Graduate Assistant, now current suspended wide receivers coach, saw and then just keep walking, even for a second.  Where is the moral conscience?  And then it was repeated up the ladder, head coach, AD, President, and it probably won’t end there.  There are sure to be others come forward to reveal more disgusting crimes against children. 

I heard a co-worker comment, ‘if anyone saw a 10 year old boy with a 55 year old man having sex,  they were obligated to stand there, get out their phone, and call the police, and remove the child from harm.  Anything less is unforgiveable.’  I agree.  Yeah, there are different degrees of this crime and an obvious cover up, but how can a person live with themselves knowing they did nothing to stop the act as they witnessed it.  I think people who turn and look the other way only help enable criminals committing these terrible offenses. 

It’s easy to see how this could happen when something or someone becomes a ‘sacred cow’.   Once a person in a leadership position becomes beyond the reach of the rules and laws because of empathy felt by others surrounding that leader, the institution they represent is doomed.  It’s simple as that.  When a person feels bad for what might happen, such as, ‘I don’t want to say anything because it might not be well received’, or ‘it might come back on me’, it’s a problem.  That’s what we seem to accept as a society, just walk away because it’s none of our business.   What a cheap, dirty, filthy, and just plain low way to behave as a human being, especially when children are involved.

What I feel about the reaction of Paterno supporters (especially the students), is more than a genuine disgust for the lack of interest for the wellbeing of the victims.  Joe Paterno is no victim at any level of this drama, but the lack of moral fiber that nearly all close to the situation have shown is the sickening part.    Meaning that, just because it’s legal to meet the minimum reporting requirements, doesn’t excuse you from the more noble higher moral requirement to help a person in need, being tortured by a person in power.  Or to put it more graphically, a 55 year old man raping a 10 year old boy.   Did no one learn back in the 70’s that the cover-up is just as bad and sometimes does more damage than the actual crime.

I think everyone that supports the powers, or rather, former powers, at Penn State should have to endure just 10 seconds of pain and suffering that these victims have to live with the rest of their lives.  Do you think for a second that Paterno would have allowed this to be swept under the rug if it were one of his grandchildren?  Here’s your answer, he wouldn’t.  You see, even if he doesn’t condone now or then, the actions, and better yet, if he doesn’t recognize the power others saw in him, he’s responsible.  He’s responsible for the atmosphere at Penn State by virtue of having hand- picked the coaches and having the say-so in every aspect of his program and all sports at PSU, if by no other way than to hold power with funding interests.   Isn’t the funding what the hushing of the accusations was all about?

So here’s a question to ask yourself, when a leader realizes that he’s being looked upon with intimidation, even if created by others outside of their control, should they relinquish power for the sake of objectivity?   Have you ever been intimidated to the point that you didn’t want to be the one to be the bearer of bad news?  If you’ve felt this then you should be able to understand this whole situation.  But, bigger than the feelings of regret is the responsibility to do the right thing.  There are no acceptable excuses for turning away from a despicable crime such as what took place at Penn State by one of their many ‘sacred cows’.  Hopefully, everyone in the world will learn from this tragedy.  And I think that it’s only a tragedy for the victims, not for the leaders at Penn State.  They chose to be in this position, and had over a decade to get it right, but did they?

This nation should get this one thing right, moral requirements trump legal requirements, each and every time.  So, look out for criminals of all professions, they are counting on people to just turn and walk away, just like at Penn State.  So, what will you do to change this?

Measuring Achievement and Success: By what Standards?

Measuring Achievement and Success: By what standards?

While watching the Gabby Giffords interview alongside her husband, Mark Kelly, televised on ABC, Monday, November 14, 2011, I was absolutely amazed at the progress she has made in the 11 months since her injuries.  Surviving and recovering from a gunshot wound to the brain is one of the most unexplained miracles a person can achieve.  When military sharpshooters take aim, the head is the preferred target, given the right circumstances.  Point being, a head wound by a gunshot at close range is considered deadly.

I was witnessing the therapy process, and the extreme struggle she was in just to achieve basic functions such as talking, standing, hand grip, and other basic movements and functions that all of us take for granted.  It occurred to me, by what standards do Gabby and Mark measure her achievements?  It can be extremely trying on a person’s focus and dedication when seeing such a long road ahead, thinking that no noticeable improvements will ever come.  But, that’s what is special about certain people who have that fighters’ spirit.  They don’t know defeat, only that there is no choice but to overcome obstacles, no matter what the odds of success.  With that said, I would like to delve into what I propose should be the real standards that we should use for measuring achievement and success.   

During the interview, there was special emphasis placed on terms like courage, brave, effort, strong, and miracles to describe the level of achievement.  In a general sense, achievement is usually measured by the amount or level which one reaches set goals.  During a recent conversation with a health care professional who regularly treats rehab patients, she pointed out that you set goals without necessarily having expectations.  That’s from the healthcare professional viewpoint, but I can tell you that it’s not necessarily the view of the patient.  I bet that Mark and Gabby had expectations to reach those goals. 

Achievement is a common term used across society to characterize upward mobility in careers, rehabilitation of a criminal as well as a patient in poor health struggling to survive.  But it always is measured by comparison to the goal set.  So, what’s important to one person might not be as impressive to another person.  Think for a minute if you had all of a sudden lost your ability to see.  You would no longer be able to drive, walk deliberately from one place to another, or lead someone down an unknown path.  What if you could no longer speak?  Imagine the frustration you would feel.  Losing the main form of communicating your feelings and desires would be a daunting obstacle to continue living a normal life.  Now, take away an arm or a leg or both, where would your thoughts be?  I suspect that in the hours and days immediately after the shooting, Gabby was facing these and many more questions about her survival and furthermore her recovery to a somewhat normal way of life. 

In the interview, Mark mentioned that he just wished for her to be able to do some basic things.  Hum, just the basics.  No talk of all the things that they were to try to achieve before that fateful day.  From now on Gabby would achieve her goals on a much more basic level, a level that the vast majority of the public takes for granted.  Her goals were now changed to talk, walk, speak, shake a hand, grip a door knob, and other simple things.  After watching the interview last night, who has made the bigger achievement, Gabby or some Wall Street Executive?  By being objective, both of them could say that they have achieved something big, but in different ways.

I love writing about perspective and what will be our views in the long-term.   Being grateful for the small things is a big thing to me.  When you don’t have some of the basic means to do day to day tasks, the achievement is measured in whether or not you can see, talk, or have self-reliance and not needing help of others.  In my eyes, achievement is measured by where you’ve come from and where you are now.  Last January, I never expected to see her doing so well and achieving so much in just eleven months, and she can’t do a lot of the things that we never even think about, but they’re huge to her. 

I experienced a similar wound, being shot in the head, the biggest difference being that I was an infant, just six months old.  But, I didn’t have perspective at that time, or when I was young.  I had a chance to learn to overcome sight difficulty, headaches, and other related side-effects of a bullet passing through my brain, without learning and then losing the ability to function.  I was used to hearing phrases like, ‘you’re a miracle, kid’, ‘God had his hand on you, kid’, which is true.  There wasn’t then, and there isn’t now, a set playbook for surgeons to repair the brain damage done by such injuries.  I worked hard unconsciously to grow out of my wounds.  Gabby is working consciously to recover from her wounds.

If Gabby makes a full recovery, (and after watching the interview, who could doubt that?), I don’t think there is a word that could describe or measure her achievement.  And that’s a goal that any Wall Street Executive should be proud to achieve.

The Most Important Thing Kids Should Know Before They Leave Home

The Most Important Thing Kids Should Know Before They Leave Home

I was thinking the other day about what I’ve done as a parent and what I would do differently or do more of while I had my children under my watchful eye, and securely under my thumb, so to speak.  We all have that day of reckoning when we are watching our child drive away, off to college, or just to move somewhere else, and we can’t help but ask; did we get it right?  So, in hindsight on two children, with two still at home, here are some thoughts.

The most important thing that I can think of is Jesus Christ.  Do they know him?  One night my oldest son asked me some questions about church.  We got into a deeper conversation and some sharing of scripture, and before you know it, he was asking Jesus into his heart.  I had security for eternity that we would never be separated again. 

A couple of years later, when I had been married to Peggy for about a year, my youngest step daughter asked at the dinner table one night what it meant to be saved.  Well, as I am not one to waste an opportunity, I jumped into Sunday School teacher mode, and introduced her to the plan of salvation.  With the other children looking on, quiet, just listening, as I gave her instructions on how to pray and ask forgiveness of sin and then for Jesus to come into her heart, they butted in and wanted to be included. 

That was the best moment of my life, nothing comes close.  Now, my whole family could enjoy the security of the believer.  This should be the MOST IMPORTANT thing on any parents’ to-do list.  Make sure it’s at the top of yours, or nothing else matters.

I was going to go into a top-ten list of making sure the kids know when to call the police, change a flat tire, make good grades, and cook for themselves, but that stuff is common sense.  If we are true Christians, we will automatically take care of the small stuff out of love for our kids.  Just don’t be afraid to teach them the most important thing.  The thing that will never end, a relationship with Jesus Christ, and you’ll go to sleep every night knowing it’s something you’ll share with them forever.  As Thanksgiving approaches, this is what I’m most thankful for, as any parent who shares this experience with me, should also. 

• 11/21/2011 10:43 AM Staiasa Jones wrote:
  Well all I can say is this one is the best yet!!
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• 11/22/2011 3:56 AM Jordan Langston wrote:
  I have read all of your posts and this one has been the best yet. I remember that night that you and I went through the bible and I asked God to come into my heart, and in the past 3 years I have had to use his help so many times. Since leaving, I have had to learn to not be dependent on myself alone, and instead learn to allow God to help in situations and just ask for that help. That has always been my problem, the fact that I do not just ask for help. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are 100% correct in your post. If I had never known God I would have never made it here in Texas and could have been home after just a few months. I appreciate everything you have done for me and everything that you have taught me. Love you!
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On this 4th, I thank my uncle, who will you thank, for your freedom?

The 4th of July, officially Independence Day, has always had a special meaning to me.  I'm sure that everyone can say that with some degree of sincerity, but to some, including me, I think of certain people.  For me it's somewhat a little more special for the reason that it's a celebration of our freedom, and I find it more incumbent upon me to actually reflect towards the cost of that freedom on this holiday than others that mark remembrance and reflection.

On other days to mark our patriotism, we are asked to pause and remember the ones who've fallen and also the ones that have fought with such sacrifice that we can't even comprehend what they've given up for this freedom that we take for granted on most days of the calender.  But, on the 4th of July, we are called to action to celebrate within traditions held for several generations throughout our history, and many responsible for our freedom are still here to thank for their service.

Today, I can think of several who have served with distinction, but the one closest to me that I want to celebrate is my uncle, Dickey Bennett.  He served in Vietnam on multiple tours which is notable, but, to me, he's my hero because of the dedication to God, Country, Family, and his Community with not just his words, but more importantly his actions.  He has been one of many in our county that has always displayed the flag of our country with honor. His unfailing attendance to community events, fundraisers, participation in the political process, and the countless donations he has made to the youth of our community has never gone unnoticed by me and many others.  

So on this day of celebration I choose to celebrate my Uncle Dickey Bennett.  Dickey, you've been watched, and what a wonderful patriotic example you've set for many.  I feel that due to your efforts and many others like you in our community, we will have a healthy respect for our country and the freedom it stands for in the coming generations.  Thank you! 

Cost of Water for Granny

Recently, I heard an interview with Berkshire-Hathaway Chairman, Warren Buffett, in which he commented on his philosophy of acquiring interest in a company, which was quite simple.  He looks for value.  By his simple definition if someone wants what a company produces, or service it provides, then it has value.  Value over time changes based on the need of a certain product or commodity.  The simple things seem to carry the most value.  If you need it to survive, then it has value, and there are only a few precious things that are as valuable to each of us as water.

In this early summer heatwave of 2012, I have noticed the news filled with stories about the cost, conservation, and necessity of water during the hottest time of the year.  I noticed that my grandmother had watered the flower bed earlier in the morning and I commented to her to 'watch it or her water bill will be sky high'.  She laughed and said, 'water's cheap'.  It didn't occur to me just at that moment, but her perspective on the value or cost of water is cheaper now than at any time in her life, which thus far has spanned 89 years. It just so happened that my grandmother, who's youth was in a time and a place that is very far from the world of luxury that we've grown up in, know's the value of water better than most people of this generation ever will.  She spoke to me of having to carry water from the spring in the mountains of north Arkansas, where her father grew tomatoes, to wash clothes, cook, drink, and bathe each day.  This would take several trips up and down the hillsides just to start what would be a long day of labor.  None of it though, was to be accomplished without water.  And then again, later when she had 6 children in the 40's & 50's in Bigelow, the same thing except from a well. (Bigelow got a city water system in 1963)  Most houses that are still around from that day and age still have a well either on the porch or very near the house.  I can remember the well bucket hanging from a rope on my grandparents porch.  Sweet memories to me, but to Granny, good riddance to a lot of hard work in hard times in rural Arkansas.


We've come to expect certain things in life to just happen for us.  Take for instance, water coming out of the faucet, lights coming on when we flip the switch, the gas line providing fuel, and probably the thing our sense of smell appreciates most, the toilet flushes.  Like almost everyone else my age or younger, I take it for granted that these 'luxuries' will happen for a very low percentage of my income, compared to all the money that I blow on things I can't even find most of the time, water is cheap.  It's the wasteful attitude that our society has come to adapt when referencing the shortages of life, such as no cell phone service when driving through the Ozarks, or having to get up and change the channel when the battery in the remote it dead, which differentiates those who deserve and appreciate those amenities of life, and those who waste so much they don't recognize the difference between a need and a want.  


So no matter what the cost of water on the water bill each month, or restrictions on water usage, I'm sure Granny will keep those flowers looking good.  And I think she should, it's both valuable and cheap.  After all, she's one of the few that deserve it.