Daddy......What do I do?

Jordan approached me with a look on his face that described his every feeling.   He had recently graduated high school, with his whole life in front of him.  What could worry him?  He’s my firstborn son, always wanting to be involved in every little thing that I did.  This was common with both he and Spencer, 2 years younger, jumping in the truck with me to feed the animals, work at the shop, go to the Buffalo Grill to help bus tables, teaching them all that I could, and always jamming out to our favorite music, both in the truck and at home.  I have always been able to detect the mood with my boys, no matter how secretive they tried to be with me (as all teens do). 

However, on this day, I couldn’t quite read deep enough to get a firm grasp on the nature of what was to come.  With every effort of my mind, as gears were turning, I became sure that it wasn’t him with a problem.  He just wanted me to listen to him.  It was something of a change for us.  I’m the one who did the talking.  He did the listening.  But, why the look, I thought.  It’s part of my chemistry.  Be thinking ahead as if there were going to be a prize to win for reading his mind.   All he wanted to do was to discuss his future.  That was nothing.  No biggie.  Couple of quick answers and I could be on my way.  First thing out of his mouth was this.  “Daddy…… what do I do?”  The tone was one of concern, not a casual discussion, or me just looking over my shoulder and telling him, “See there, that’s what you should do”.  This would not be easy, at all!

At that moment, I felt several things.  But, the one thing that a father would not expect was the biggest thing on my mind.  First, I had created an environment for him that made him feel like he should have the answers already, and he was uneasy to approach me for advice.  This was the biggest problem I had at the time.  The other thing which should have been the only thing for me to worry about was this fact.  It was his life, not mine.  For Jordan, this conversation had a lot riding on it.  How would I be able to answer correctly?  Even if I didn’t like it, the answer had already been given.  It was in my life that I had shown him.

I have always hoped that my children would learn from my mistakes.  I’m one of those who think that the deeper impression you make the longer it will stay with someone.  I wanted to be strong with my kids and really drive home our values, and have high expectations.  That’s my job, right?  I sure had made a lot of mistakes, and most of them right in front of him.  Not necessarily about behavior, but, the direction of my life, decisions about career, financial choices, moral choices, the really big stuff.

While looking at him, I almost welled up with tears, as I realized that he needed me to be stronger now than ever before.  He didn’t need the macho dad, he needed the caring dad.  The one that he hoped would be there that day to help him figure his next move, possibly the biggest of his life.  

As I get older, and my children are making their way into a new phase of their life, I can’t help but look at back and realize the blindness at which I approached many of the decisions that affronted me while trying to provide advice and guidance to each of my children. 

I find myself in deep thought a lot of the time while driving throughout Arkansas.  Many times, Peggy will mention that I haven’t said anything for a while, and sometimes it doesn’t even register with me that she’s talking to me.  I have a tendency to get real dark with my thoughts.  I am a real pessimist at times, especially when I worry about my kids, while reflecting on something they’ve done or have asked to do.   But mostly, thinking about my own actions, missed opportunities due to my own choices, and the consequences for me and my family because of those choices. 

I don’t think that it can be understated how much we make decisions for the kids out of the need to rush through and get done with whatever the kids need.  Daddy, will you help me?  Daddy, will you……..? Brushing them aside with a quick answer, just so I can dismiss them, so I can get on with a watching a game or something.  It’s not all that big of a thing when it’s just once or every now and then.  But, it’s like the slow drip on the rock, eventually, you have a hole.  The water keeps on dripping, slowly eating away at the most durable of things. 

Do you ever think about an adage we have always heard ‘old habits are hard to break’?  Well, most habits don’t form in short order, they happen slowly over time.  Building up, or in the case of the drip, eating away at something that you thought you would never be able to tear apart.

Most parents I have known feel the relationship they have with their kids are as strong as that rock.  Maybe some of them are like me, and have discovered that they have mental walls between themselves and their kids.  Sometimes we find that our kids overcome our faults and find themselves on a path to happiness anyway.  How fortunate for the kids.  The parents find out that it’s their loss in the end.  A hole created by a slow drip of selfishness which deafens our ears to the most precious question a child can ask about direction in their lives.  “Daddy……What do I do?”     

Today, as Jordan and Torrie celebrate their engagement, I know the correct answer to that question he had for me almost 5 years ago.

Do just what you did Son!  Do exactly, just what you did!

Congratulations to you Both,

And to Victoria (Torrie),

Welcome to your new and very large family!