Jordan
approached me with a look on his face that described his every feeling. He had
recently graduated high school, with his whole life in front of him. What could worry him? He’s my firstborn son, always wanting to be
involved in every little thing that I did.
This was common with both he and Spencer, 2 years younger, jumping in
the truck with me to feed the animals, work at the shop, go to the Buffalo
Grill to help bus tables, teaching them all that I could, and always jamming
out to our favorite music, both in the truck and at home. I have always been able to detect the mood
with my boys, no matter how secretive they tried to be with me (as all teens
do).
However, on
this day, I couldn’t quite read deep enough to get a firm grasp on the nature
of what was to come. With every effort
of my mind, as gears were turning, I became sure that it wasn’t him with a
problem. He just wanted me to listen to
him. It was something of a change for
us. I’m the one who did the
talking. He did the listening. But, why the look, I thought. It’s part of my chemistry. Be thinking ahead as if there were going to
be a prize to win for reading his mind. All he wanted to do was to discuss his future. That was nothing. No biggie.
Couple of quick answers and I could be on my way. First thing out of his mouth was this. “Daddy…… what do I do?” The tone was one of concern, not a casual
discussion, or me just looking over my shoulder and telling him, “See there,
that’s what you should do”. This would
not be easy, at all!
At that
moment, I felt several things. But, the
one thing that a father would not expect was the biggest thing on my mind. First, I had created an environment for him
that made him feel like he should have the answers already, and he was uneasy
to approach me for advice. This was the
biggest problem I had at the time. The
other thing which should have been the only thing for me to worry about was
this fact. It was his life, not
mine. For Jordan, this conversation had a
lot riding on it. How would I be able to
answer correctly? Even if I didn’t like
it, the answer had already been given.
It was in my life that I had shown him.
I have always
hoped that my children would learn from my mistakes. I’m one of those who think that the deeper
impression you make the longer it will stay with someone. I wanted to be strong with my kids and really
drive home our values, and have high expectations. That’s my job, right? I sure had made a lot of mistakes, and most
of them right in front of him. Not necessarily
about behavior, but, the direction of my life, decisions about career,
financial choices, moral choices, the really big stuff.
While looking at him, I almost welled up with
tears, as I realized that he needed me to be stronger now than ever
before. He didn’t need the macho dad, he
needed the caring dad. The one that he
hoped would be there that day to help him figure his next move, possibly the
biggest of his life.
As I get
older, and my children are making their way into a new phase of their life, I
can’t help but look at back and realize the blindness at which I approached
many of the decisions that affronted me while trying to provide advice and
guidance to each of my children.
I find
myself in deep thought a lot of the time while driving throughout
Arkansas. Many times, Peggy will mention
that I haven’t said anything for a while, and sometimes it doesn’t even
register with me that she’s talking to me.
I have a tendency to get real dark with my thoughts. I am a real pessimist at times, especially
when I worry about my kids, while reflecting on something they’ve done or have
asked to do. But mostly, thinking about my own actions,
missed opportunities due to my own choices, and the consequences for me and my
family because of those choices.
I don’t
think that it can be understated how much we make decisions for the kids out of
the need to rush through and get done with whatever the kids need. Daddy, will you help me? Daddy, will you……..? Brushing them aside with
a quick answer, just so I can dismiss them, so I can get on with a watching a
game or something. It’s not all that big
of a thing when it’s just once or every now and then. But, it’s like the slow drip on the rock, eventually,
you have a hole. The water keeps on dripping,
slowly eating away at the most durable of things.
Do you ever
think about an adage we have always heard ‘old habits are hard to break’? Well, most habits don’t form in short order,
they happen slowly over time. Building
up, or in the case of the drip, eating away at something that you thought you
would never be able to tear apart.
Most parents
I have known feel the relationship they have with their kids are as strong as
that rock. Maybe some of them are like
me, and have discovered that they have mental walls between themselves and their
kids. Sometimes we find that our kids overcome
our faults and find themselves on a path to happiness anyway. How fortunate for the kids. The parents find out that it’s their loss in
the end. A hole created by a slow drip
of selfishness which deafens our ears to the most precious question a child can
ask about direction in their lives. “Daddy……What
do I do?”
Today, as
Jordan and Torrie celebrate their engagement, I know the correct answer to that
question he had for me almost 5 years ago.
Do just what you did Son! Do exactly, just what you did!
Congratulations
to you Both,
And to
Victoria (Torrie),
Welcome to your
new and very large family!
